Anger Management
The biological ‘fight or flight’ mechanism in the brain is designed to protect each of us from threats to our very survival. So it is this “fight” mechanism deep inside that is what generates one’s experience of overwhelming Anger. However it is important to recognize that not everyone becomes so upset in that exact situation. So what is this really about deep inside that is being triggered such that you would lose your self in such Anger?
Such Anger emerges because there is some insecurity that has become triggered and enflamed that is coming from unresolved emotional wounds from our past. The strong uprush of those upset feelings is now overshadowing our natural inner Presence of our true nature of Goodness in our inner wholesome Self.
Just ask your partner. They can tell when you not being your Self. “That is not the person I married” they say to themselves.
So how can You be able to tell when that happens? After all when those feelings take you over, the blame all feels so real in that moment. Yet it is also true that whatever emotionally triggered you and made you so angry, the reality Is that not everyone becomes Angry in that situation. Again, just ask your partner. They wonder why does it bother you so much?
Even when you are faced with a real problem, if you did not have those underlying emotional sensitivities or insecurities that were triggered, you wouldn’t lose your Self. And then, the differences that triggered you becomes simply something that needs to be solved or worked through. Even as challenging as it can be. After all, that’s life.
That is why highly evolved souls and pure Saints do not lose their Self, through thick or thin. From that state of pure consciousness, “It just Is what it Is.”
The problem is that when someone becomes so gripped by the upsurge of their past unresolved feelings, the disturbing experience feels like that current threat Is real. Their complete focus is now external on what happened that triggered them. And it becomes an argument when their partner does not feel that way. No wonder he or she does not agree with your so-called logic.
You can see what a trap this can be in relationships. And why it can be so difficult to resolve those issues together. Particularly when all of the blame is put on the other person. Yes, what happened needs to be resolved together. But if you weren’t emotionally triggered, you each would do so as a team with Goodwill.
So in most situations the real problem in the face of rising anger (or shutting down) in their relationship is being able to recognize that those tensions are coming from within their selves. This realization changes everything. Now instead of blaming or shutting down, each person’s focus is inward in exploring what are those feelings right now really about inside? So where have I felt like this before? For it is all right there now inside when they become triggered and enflamed.
In this new orientation, however, the experience now becomes an invaluable opportunity to consciously and safely root out those unresolved issues that have become enflamed. So now Instead of acting them out and potentially causing more harm in the relationship, it becomes an opportunity to resolve what is being triggered inside. This is important, for years of freely acting them out together is what tends to generate the increasing distance partners can feel in their marriage.
In over thirty years of working with distressed and emotionally upset couples, these inner dynamics within each person became clear in our first sessions together. From this, easily learned and secure new frameworks evolved that enabled partners to recognize those tensions, as well as the personal sources within themselves.
This changes everything. Instead of arguing, they each now have the Awareness and the tools to open up and safely resolve those original enflamed buried imprints together. So they each grow from the experience. And too, the experience itself becomes an empowering experience. And a Healing one together.
Actually the best place to do this is in a marriage where we really care about each other. And where our sensitivities and emotional needs are most readily exposed. Couples find that these new awarenesses and safe tools that enable them to safely resolve those issues together results in an even closer intimate and enduring relationship.
Fortunately, these new awarenesses and skills can be readily learned. Couples gain these new and empowering awarenesses right in the first sessions. And then come back and develop the natural frameworks to process those feelings safely when they emerge together. Surprisingly, it does not take long to do so. That is because in the first sessions, what you discover together becomes so self-evident to each other. So each becomes able to recognize and resolve them.
Remember, nobody is wrong here. We are all just human. But in making the process of resolving tensions safe and healing is what draws partners even closer together.