Emotional & Sexual Affairs
What would cause a husband or wife to go outside of their marriage to fill their emotional or sexual needs? For most partners it is simply that some of their fundamental emotional and/or physical needs are not being met sufficiently in their relationship.
That can be the result of unresolved tensions building that have created some emotional and physical distance. Or because their emotional or sexual or intimacy needs have not been fulfilling enough.
After all, if both partners are naturally nourished in regular LoveMaking, and if they can feel safe to work through and resolve differences and underlying tensions together, why would they be available for an affair?
Of course, there is a smaller minority who pathologically seek sexual or emotional relationships outside of the marriage, seemingly without a conscience. If so, they can be up against inner pressures that seem to be beyond their control.
But for those couples seeking a monogamous conscious relationship together, the question must be asked, what has been missing in their relationship? Are there tensions or dissatisfaction that have created an emptiness inside that makes one susceptible to an emotional or sexual affair? Or does the couple lack fulfilling experiences of feeling intimately connected together in their lives or in regular lovemaking?
The breeding ground for affairs are when partners fundamental emotional or real intimacy needs are not being met. But what perpetuates this is when they are unable to open up and share together about what is going on inside, and effectively resolve those within themselves and within the relationship together.
This then typically is the basis for looking outside of the marriage. Or finding oneself responsive to another’s warmth, or sexual invitation.
So for most affairs, it is more a reflection of unmet needs. And as such, those trysts most always are just make-believe intimacy – where there typically is not any real fulfilling intimacy going on. It may feel like it, even if it is just a projection. Whatever is driving it, it is simply a substitute for the real thing that they are missing at home.
That is why sex outside the marriage or committed relationship may emotionally feel really good, but ultimately it tends to be really just a fantasy. Or just a sexual release. For they do not really know each other. When people do not live together day in and day out, they will present their “best” side when they get together. So the fantasy can continue as it is just an affair. That is why for many men, there is not even any focus on real “intimacy.” It becomes just a “hot” sexual release from carrying too much inner build-up of testosterone driven sexual pressure.
So in most situations, that is why the other person in the affair is not “the real threat.” For the real problem is the lack of true intimacy and fulfillment, and their lack of openness together, in their marriage or committed relationship!
What a conundrum. Couples can find that they lack the self-awareness and skills that would enable them over time to stay truly open up together, and feel emotionally and sexually connected. Nor able to safely talk about, explore, and resolve differences and sensitive issues together. So then those unresolved needs and pressures go underground.
Having this collection of awarenesses and these new skills are what enable partners to be able stay conscious and transparent in the relationship. So then the fundamental trust that is necessary for each to keep their hearts open will always be maintained. So that each is drawn to having fulfilling LoveMaking together (as opposed to just “sex”), which further nourishes each other and the relationship.
So it is important to acknowledge that couples who know how to regularly have fulfilling LoveMaking together, they are not usually vulnerable to affairs. Why would they? They find themselves nourished emotionally and sexually together. Couples who have learned ‘The LoveMaking Process’ find this to be their experience.
This process is laid out in the Author’s book Natural LoveMaking: Transforming “Sex” Into Innocent & Wondrous LoveMaking Together (See the section “Author’s Books”).