Meeting Each Other’s Needs
In working with couples over 30 years, they taught me that there are two fundamental dynamics that are fundamental to the success and harmony of their life-long commitment:
1) Responding to each other’s Core Needs so that each feels that he or she is thriving in the marriage, and
2) Learn to safely Resolve their Differences, Tensions and Issues that will naturally arise. So that they end up feeling closer together instead of further apart.
It is these two dynamics that provide the foundation for keeping their hearts open through thick and thin and for deepening their connection and love in their relationship together.
This more conscious approach comes out of working with thousands of couples in sessions, seminars, and workshops around the country in teaching these awarenesses and skills to couples.
Fundamental Dynamic #1:
Self-Awareness within yourself and of your partner’s inner world is the basis for growing closer together. For it is in not understanding how your worlds clash that unwittingly create most all of the tensions that distance you in your relationship.
Couples can quickly gain these awarenesses using the simple ‘Inner Enneagram’ personality system. The Inner Enneagram identifies for each of you your individual gifts as well as the core emotional needs, sensitivities, and pressures in each of your personalities that can tend to generate tensions together.
Without those understandings and awarenesses, when those worlds conflict, each of you tend to feel “right” as if your reality is the ‘norm’, as you each argue for what makes sense in your own world. However, in doing so, you are invalidating your partner’s inner world! No wonder couples will have arguments and then become more emotionally distant.
As a couples therapist, I started using the conventional ‘Personality Enneagram’ with clients in the 1980’s. As each of the partners opened up in the sessions, however, a new dimension emerged of inner dynamics. Dynamics that have been unrecognized in the widely taught Personality Enneagram’s primary focus on the qualities of the outer personality.
As a result of these discoveries, a new framework called the Inner Enneagram emerged that laid out these dynamics that couples consistently reported. And for those couples, gaining these new awarenesses together is what made all the difference in their relationship.
It enabled them to learn about each other’s world — what really matters to each other, and why. And to be able to safely resolve their differences and issues together. Understanding and truly relating to each other also deepened their sense of intimacy and fulfillment in being together.
These awarenesses and understandings all now happen in our very first session together! So right away you both gain more understanding and sensitivity to each other’s world, your core emotional needs, and the sensitivities that drive them.
This is important for in this conscious couples orientation Both Needs Matter. Responding to each other’s core ego needs is fundamentally what enables each partner to thrive in the relationship! This is the basis for a successful lifetime, intimate and fulfilling partnership.
You will also gain these insights and awarenesses about everyone you care about and know. You will finally understand each of your children, your parents, brothers and sisters, your friends, your boss and co-workers – and every person you meet!
So now all of your relationships can flourish instead of flounder from your lack of awareness and understanding.
“You are amazing, and your work is more than remarkable. I’ve closely read and studied more than a dozen Enneagram books over the years, and none of them comes close to yours. I finally feel “all the pieces coming together” as I read your work. I think you don’t realize how much of a treasure this is for humanity.” – Matthew
Continue to Part 2:
New, More Effective Communication Skills